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Chapter 43The Art of Inhumation
ABOUT the same time, I encountered a man in the street, whom I had not seen for six or seven years; and something like this talk followed. I said-
`But you used to look sad and oldish; you don`t now. Where did you get all this youth and bubbling cheerfulness? Give me the address.` He chuckled blithely, took off his shining tile, pointed to a notched pink circlet of paper pasted into its crown, with something lettered on it, and went on chuckling while I read, `J. B ----, UNDERTAKER.` Then he clapped his hat on, gave it an irreverent tilt to leeward, and cried out-
`That`s what`s the matter! It used to be rough times with me when you knew me--insurance-agency business, you know; mighty irregular. Big fire, all right--brisk trade for ten days while people scared; after that, dull policy-business till next fire. Town like this don`t have fires often enough--a fellow strikes so many dull weeks in a row that he gets discouraged. But you bet you, this is the business! People don`t wait for examples to die. No, sir, they drop off right along--there ain`t any dull spots in the undertaker line. I just started in with two or three little old coffins and a hired hearse, and now look at the thing! I`ve worked up a business here that would satisfy any man, don`t care who he is. Five years ago, lodged in an attic; live in a swell house now, with a mansard roof, and all the modern inconveniences.` `Does a coffin pay so well. Is there much profit on a coffin?` `Go-way! How you talk!` Then, with a confidential wink, a dropping of the voice, and an impressive laying of his hand on my arm; `Look here; there`s one thing in this world which isn`t ever cheap. That`s a coffin. There`s one thing in this world which a person don`t ever try to jew you down on. That`s a coffin. There`s one thing in this world which a person don`t say--"I`ll look around a little, and if I find I can`t do better I`ll come back and take it." That`s a coffin. There`s one thing in this world which a person won`t take in pine if he can go walnut; and won`t take in walnut if he can go mahogany; and won`t take in mahogany if he can go an iron casket with silver door-plate and bronze handles. That`s a coffin. And there`s one thing in this world which you don`t have to worry around after a person to get him to pay for. And that`s a coffin. Undertaking?--why it`s the dead-surest business in Christendom, and the nobbiest. `Why, just look at it. A rich man won`t have anything but your very best; and you can just pile it on, too--pile it on and sock it to him--he won`t ever holler. And you take in a poor man, and if you work him right he`ll bust himself on a single lay-out. Or especially a woman. F`r instance: Mrs. O`Flaherty comes in--widow--wiping her eyes and kind of moaning. Unhandkerchiefs one eye, bats it around tearfully over the stock; says-
` "And fhat might ye ask for that wan?" ` "Thirty-nine dollars, madam," says I. ` "It `s a foine big price, sure, but Pat shall be buried like a gintleman, as he was, if I have to work me fingers off for it. I`ll have that wan, sor." ` "Yes, madam," says I, "and it is a very good one, too; not costly, to be sure, but in this life we must cut our garment to our clothes, as the saying is." And as she starts out, I heave in, kind of casually, "This one with the white satin lining is a beauty, but I am afraid-- well, sixty-five dollars is a rather--rather--but no matter, I felt obliged to say to Mrs. O`Shaughnessy--" ` "D`ye mane to soy that Bridget O`Shaughnessy bought the mate to that joo-ul box to ship that dhrunken divil to Purgatory in?" ` "Yes, madam." ` "Then Pat shall go to heaven in the twin to it, if it takes the last rap the O`Flaherties can raise; and moind you, stick on some extras, too, and I`ll give ye another dollar." `And as I lay-in with the livery stables, of course I don`t forget to mention that Mrs. O`Shaughnessy hired fifty-four dollars` worth of hacks and flung as much style into Dennis`s funeral as if he had been a duke or an assassin. And of course she sails in and goes the O`Shaughnessy about four hacks and an omnibus better. That used to be, but that`s all played now; that is, in this particular town. The Irish got to piling up hacks so, on their funerals, that a funeral left them ragged and hungry for two years afterward; so the priest pitched in and broke it all up. He don`t allow them to have but two hacks now, and sometimes only one.` `Well,` said I, `if you are so light-hearted and jolly in ordinary times, what must you be in an epidemic?` He shook his head. `No, you`re off, there. We don`t like to see an epidemic. An epidemic don`t pay. Well, of course I don`t mean that, exactly; but it don`t pay in proportion to the regular thing. Don`t it occur to you, why?` No. `Think.` `I can`t imagine. What is it?` `It`s just two things.` `Well, what are they?` `One`s Embamming.` `And what`s the other?` `Ice.` `How is that?` `Well, in ordinary times, a person dies, and we lay him up in ice; one day two days, maybe three, to wait for friends to come. Takes a lot of it--melts fast. We charge jewelry rates for that ice, and war-prices for attendance. Well, don`t you know, when there`s an epidemic, they rush `em to the cemetery the minute the breath`s out. No market for ice in an epidemic. Same with Embamming. You take a family that`s able to embam, and you`ve got a soft thing. You can mention sixteen different ways to do it--though there AIN`T only one or two ways, when you come down to the bottom facts of it--and they`ll take the highest-priced way, every time. It`s human nature--human nature in grief. It don`t reason, you see. Time being, it don`t care a dam. All it wants is physical immortality for deceased, and they`re willing to pay for it. All you`ve got to do is to just be ca`m and stack it up--they`ll stand the racket. Why, man, you can take a defunct that you couldn`t GIVE away; and get your embamming traps around you and go to work; and in a couple of hours he is worth a cool six hundred--that`s what HE`S worth. There ain`t anything equal to it but trading rats for di`monds in time of famine. Well, don`t you see, when there`s an epidemic, people don`t wait to embam. No, indeed they don`t; and it hurts the business like hell-th, as we say-- hurts it like hell-th, HEALTH, see?--Our little joke in the trade. Well, I must be going. Give me a call whenever you need any--I mean, when you`re going by, sometime.` In his joyful high spirits, he did the exaggerating himself, if any has been done. I have not enlarged on him. With the above brief references to inhumation, let us leave the subject. As for me, I hope to be cremated. I made that remark to my pastor once, who said, with what he seemed to think was an impressive manner-
`I wouldn`t worry about that, if I had your chances.` Much he knew about it--the family all so opposed to it.
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